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A few years ago, I was taking a psychology course at university and one of the assignments was to do a diary of sorts. Each day for a couple of months we were to record in it three things that made us happy. Things that brightened our day. Made us smile.
At that time in my life I was not happy. I was at a school I hated, in a program I was not enjoying. I was unhappy with everything. How I looked, the friends I had. It was very difficult for me to complete that assignment. I walked around not talking to anyone, not smiling at all. I can still remember the feel of that frown permanently on my face and there was nothing I could do to make it go away.
Having to find one thing to record in that journal that made me smile was so hard, let alone three things a day. I can remember making things up. Recording things that I thought would make me happy. That should make me happy. However, most of the time I was honest. I'd record something small, something that to a happy person, someone not depressed would find trivial. I tried hard. So very hard.
I'll never forget when I got that assignment back in class. A "D"...with the comment on the front in big red letters "More effort required. These are not happy events. They lack emotion....(and it went on)". I gathered up my stuff in the middle of class and barely held back my tears. I will never forget that day.
I remember this now as I am currently trying to start writing an assignment (for another psych class I am taking - Developmental Psych) and I am to write a few pages on anything in our textbook. It can be a personal story (which is what I am considering) or simply an opinion story. I am confortable with myself now to write about my eating issues, or abuse, etc. but I am afraid of getting rejected again. I know that will not happen, she's a great prof so that will not be the case yet it still lingers in my mind.
I am a big girl. I think I can handle it...in the morning I will write a paper. On teenagers and eating disorders. Feel the emotion. :)